SMILE=)

Have you ever felt the warmth and pure joy that comes from witnessing a newborn's unabashed grin? Well, now we have, because our little Madeleine has learned to SMILE!

At first Maddie would bless us with her beautiful gummy grin only when she was about to pass some gas. But now she's smiling just for the heck of it. She gets especially smiley when we change her diaper, which she seems to truly enjoy thanks, in part, to the hanging mobile her Father lovingly crafted from an old cardboard box, some string, & a wire coat hanger.

We haven't gotten too many pictures of her smile yet, or at least not too many in focus pictures, due to Maddie's uncanny ability to jerk her head away at precisely the moment one snaps the camera shutter. But we're working on capturing a cute little movie of Madeleine smiling, which you can see, once we get it on film, by clicking here.

The Stump Is Gone

On Tuesday October 11th, at 4 PM, the stump officially fell. Stumpy, the little dried-up piece of umbilical jerky that clung to our daughter's belly button, like a moldy stem sticking out from a beautiful red ripe apple, finally lost its foothold and was spirited away to the netheregions of Madeleine's footed onesie, where it was discovered during a diaper change.

Remembering the fallen appendage, which became lovingly referred to as Stumpy, Madeleine's Father said of the occasion: "Thank GOD it's gone! That thing was so weird. Why don't they tell you about weird #$@!& like that before you have kids?! Man I'm glad it's gone."

Madeleine's Mother was less moved by the event, remarking only that "she's just even cuter now, that's all."

Stumpy will be laid to rest at a private ceremony in the Keiser's San Francisco backyard this Saturday. Flowers and donations in Stumpy's name are welcome.

Meconium Among Us

Have you ever wondered what newborn babies are really made of? Are newborn girls assembled from sugar and spice and everything nice? Are newborn boys truly composed of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails? Shockingly, the truth is much more graphic than either of those charming theories would contend, according to a recent source.

The discoverer of this frightening revelation, a new father who wished to remain nameless for this article, recounted his harrowing discovery to this reporter from a public phone somewhere in South America.

"I was changing my newborn daughter's diaper, watching her sweet little face as I opened the diaper, and looked down, my mouth falling open in horror, as I saw what had come out of my little angel. It was black, and sticky, like the tar that suffocated the dinosaurs. It was so thick, so black, there was so much of it, and it just kept coming out of her, there was only one thing to do. My wife and I ran, as fast and far as we could. And you should run too. It’s coming, and it’ll show no mercy!”

That’s right, according to this new father’s account, newborn babies the world over aren’t made of sugar, or snails, but are in fact made of a thick, black, tar-like substance that seems to ooze from within them as it attempts to consume everything it touches. Normally, this hellish substance is simply wiped away, and is unable to pose any real harm to the environment. But, if this terrified new father’s story is true, there could very well be enough of this “cute-tar” stored up in all the newborn babies around the world, to combine into one gigantic blob that would attack and destroy everything in it’s path if given the chance.

When reached for comment, "scientists," who call this devil-slime “meconium,” reported that it normally just gets stuck all over the babies own butt and is hard to clean up, posing no global danger. FEMA and local police officials refused to comment on the doomsday diaper scenario described herein. The new father and wife who made this schocking discovery, have yet to return to the U.S., for fear of what else may come out of their daughter's diaper.